thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
