Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
