If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
