My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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