I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
