Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
