The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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