is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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