I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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