Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
