Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
