Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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