Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
