if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
