You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
