In America we eat man semen.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
