Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
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Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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