Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
