Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
