This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
