I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
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I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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