I wannas sexs uuuuu
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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