The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
