Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
