Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
