I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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