I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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