I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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