He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
