She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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