the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
