It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
