Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
