i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
