the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
