I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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