it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
