My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
