I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
