Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You need Xanax blowdarts
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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