Betty ford says i'm here all night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
