i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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