I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
