I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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