just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
