He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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