I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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