We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
