Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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