I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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