There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
