Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
