Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
