I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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