I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
