Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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